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American Idol…and you don’t suck. But you do.

March 24, 2011 Leave a comment

I always have such high hopes for Motown night. For some reason, Motown has always been my favourite style of music, and if not for intervention my children would have names like Smokey or Otis (I had to settle for another musician from Detroit, heh).

I still remember (apparently 10 seasons ago) Kelly Clarkson’s rendition of Respect, and while her outfit was unfortunate, she was amazing. However, also still burning a hole in my memory is the 15-year-old “Fetus” (Aaron?) from last season trying to pull off “Ain’t No Sunshine”. It was definitely not “authentic” (last season’s keyword). I think he was talking about his stuffed bunny; in any case neither soul nor funk was brought to the table.

So last night, I was prepared for some pain. I was pleasantly surprised and only had to fast forward and/or mute on three performances!

First up, Casey Abrams. Yeah, I used to dig his Seth Rogan-y vibe, but somewhere a long the way the intensity has given way to a more creepy vibe. It kind of throws me off the music. I hate that it’s about appearances, but I think last night would have been way better sans coiff. It just added some kind of weird just-got-out-of-prison-come-with-me-little-boy thing for me – less quirky, more creepy. It wasn’t awful, but I Heard it Through the Grapevine really is one of those songs that has never sounded better than the original.

Rhyme-y named Thia Megia…zzzzzzz…. didn’t she forget some lines there? Oh yes, J. Lo noticed. Wait. No she didn’t. Boring, they all love her. Blah.

Here it comes ears, you are about to bleed. Jacob Lust. Lusk? Whatevs. I seriously cannot stand the dramatics and the over-singing and why the judges cream themselves over him is beyond me. And now what, he’s going to sing one of my absolute favourite songs ever? Fully prepared to be angry, I was totally shocked by his restraint — and resultant rockery of the song. Wowza. I hate admitting when I am wrong, so I shall say no more and just tip my imaginary hat to the boy.

Lauren. This girl is really 16 years old? That is weird. I do love her voice, but why does she always get all up on the judges? It makes me really, really uncomfortable and somehow I’m picturing her 30-year-old stage mom encouraging her … “Make him love you…rub up on them … use your womanly ways!” She just always seems to exude an uncomfortable, age-inappropriate sexuality and it always leaves me feeling “Oh, honey.”

Stefano. No. Another performer I usually cannot watch due to all the fist-clenching, over the top drama. And here is no exception. You guys all know that this is a love letter to a blind lady, right? It’s afro-headed Lionel Richie, showing us his tenderness. Not the screaming, crying, dramatic shit that Stefano just can’t seem to break himself of. J.Lo nailed it: he’s trying to be passionate to be good, not because he’s really wondering about what that blind lady is doing and who with. Is she somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving her?

Haley, oh I just love her. (Not a fan of the straight hair. Rock it curly, girl!) Kinda think she sung a lot of the song hunched over, but she was doin her thang and I love me some awkward when it’s coming from the right place.

Scotty McCreery: I really, really need him to go away. I’m sorry, I’m sure he’s sweet and adorable to all those tween girls out there, but that was seriously, seriously painful to me. And I am a country fan. Ish.   I just need him to go away and most especially to stop attempting to do any kind of dancing or movement; I was actually concerned that he was having a seizure up there. The judges should have turfed him at the beginning. I’m all for different styles and whatnot, but this guy is so massively limited in range…that one low note really can’t keep him afloat.

Pia blah blah, so pretty, so flawless, so boring. I’m sorry, I’m sure she’s amazing, I’m just totally bored. I fast forwarded for the first time this ep.

Paul McDonald singing some Smokey Robinson: well allrighty then! I’m with the judges…there’s just something about Paul. I so want to jam with him.  Love seeing artists who can play, too. And by the way Ryan…he’s got the cougar vote, but thanks for the awkwardness.

Naima, another good kind of awkward. I love her weirdness, just totally not into that song. Again, love the original but when anyone else tries to sing it, it comes off too cheesy for me. I think with all the amazing Motown songs, she could have found one that fit her a little better; mind you it’s always a good thing when voters can recognize the song.

Good news y’all: James Durbin is still a rocker. The jacket was studded and the weird scarf-tail-thing was sequined, yo. He’s definitely more natural at moving around the stage.  But even though the screamy parts are not earbleed-inducing, I just cannot get on board (though he is growing on me, somewhat).  There is something just a little smug about him.

If it were up to me, Cowboy Scotty would be headed home, or possibly the boring beautiful girl. I hope Haley finds some love and doesn’t end up in the bottom again, but you know as long as I have some Paul McD to look forward to, I’ll be jes’ fine.

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I love you, but you’re no American Idol

April 10, 2010 Leave a comment

It’s no secret that I’m hardcore Team Casey James all the way.  Bluesy rock is my thang and Casey does it well.  I’d love to see him rock some Levon Helm or old school Otis Redding.  If he’d stop putting all that shit in his hair, I’d be especially happy. Man-bun, please.

I don’t even need to mention Mamasox, do I?  We can all agree: awesomeness.  And every time Kara judges her, I think…really?  We need KARA to judge BOWERSOX?  All wrong brutha, all wrong.

Ultimately, we know that someone like fetus Aaron Kelly is going to win, just like not-Adam-Lambert won last year.  But that’s okay, because I am already cringing at the mugging and fakeness and general ickiness that they are affecting to please the judges.  Yes Casey, I do speak of the “emotion” you were showing last night.  Since when did “believable” become a compliment?  Also, I love it when Simon calls anything “corny”.  It’s freakin’ American Idol!  They just group-lip-synched “American Boy”!  It couldn’t be any cornier if the show was called “Corn-filled Corn-fed Corny Corn”!

And yet, I watch…

Categories: TV Tags: ,

American Idol 2010 ~ Top 24

February 19, 2010 Leave a comment
Disclaimer: I am not American Idol’s target audience; I can’t recall any of the AI winners (except Kelly Clarkson and maybe not-Adam Lambert, I don’t listen to any graduates of the American Idol competition (okay, maybe some Kelly Clarkson but only post-hissy), and I wouldn’t call in to vote even if I could. So I’m not sure why I feel compelled to offer my commentary on this week’s AI, but I do, and I did, so here it is.

So, what did you think of American Idol’s Top 24? In this corner, the boys: I’m partial to Tyler Grady, maybe not the best vocals but I just love his energy and his wicked awesome moves. I knew he was going to be Top 24 when I saw his audition. And while I agree with the old adage, that neck tattoos are indicative of a person’s ability to make rational decisions, I just love Andrew Garcia’s vibe too.

I’m really conflicted about “Big Mike”. On the one hand, he’s about the only person I would allow to sing “I’m Yours” whose name is not Jason Mraz. But my inner momma bear calls bullshit on not being present at your first child’s birth. Even as I try to reason with said inner voice, momma bear is ready to take him down. Also, I naturally distrust people with muscles bigger than my head. I’m not even going to talk about the douchey hat.

Dear Todrick: Please take out those creepy-ass contact lenses and leave them in the 2000s (and that’s a grace period, because they really went out in the 90s). There’s something wanky about him, too. No likey. But thank you for *not* singing “Man in the Mirror”. Love, me.

Casey James = a messy Ace Young. (also, apparently a porn star. Google Image search it yourself.) Long blonde hair isn’t usually my thing, but come on: he’s yummy. But please don’t sing Bubbly. Ever again. Actually, I’m going to recommend that for everyone, everywhere in the world. Stop singing it. Seriously!

Since the rest of the boys are a blur of Efron hair and gangly arms to me, I’m going to predict that one of them will capture tweenaged America’s hearts and win the entire thing.

Over here, we’ve got the girls: So, I really want to make this a world where we don’t talk about people’s appearances…but how can we not talk about Crystal Bowersox’s teeth. Girl, please slap on some Whitestrips and ease up on the coffee, cigs, or whatever’s causing that mess…cause it’s really distracting. But please don’t get a shiny makeover, because I dig the laid-back thing.

Can we talk about the Tori vs. Hailey thing? I loved the bit they showed where Tori was giving that tired piece of shit Katy Perry song the ska treatment. And I’m pretty sure that way back when Ellen said “she could get annoying”, she was definitely talking about Hailey, because as adorable as she may be, she did. Real quick.

Granted, I missed the last hour of the Tuesday show, but there were two chicks that I had NEVER seen before Wednesday’s show. I suppose they did not have a story that was exciting enough to share, but they even showcased Lilly’s sandwich artist career. How boring do you have to be to not get even 60 seconds of camera time, when they re-hash the same shizz over and over again and even feature Mary Powers for like, an entire episode. (“You’re punk rock!” ~ Avril “No. She’s not.”~ Punk Rock)

And we’re back to the all-boy/all-girl format. Looking forward to the cringe-worthy all-boy numbers. Let the cheese roll!

 

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