Home > TV > American Idol…and you don’t suck. But you do.

American Idol…and you don’t suck. But you do.

I always have such high hopes for Motown night. For some reason, Motown has always been my favourite style of music, and if not for intervention my children would have names like Smokey or Otis (I had to settle for another musician from Detroit, heh).

I still remember (apparently 10 seasons ago) Kelly Clarkson’s rendition of Respect, and while her outfit was unfortunate, she was amazing. However, also still burning a hole in my memory is the 15-year-old “Fetus” (Aaron?) from last season trying to pull off “Ain’t No Sunshine”. It was definitely not “authentic” (last season’s keyword). I think he was talking about his stuffed bunny; in any case neither soul nor funk was brought to the table.

So last night, I was prepared for some pain. I was pleasantly surprised and only had to fast forward and/or mute on three performances!

First up, Casey Abrams. Yeah, I used to dig his Seth Rogan-y vibe, but somewhere a long the way the intensity has given way to a more creepy vibe. It kind of throws me off the music. I hate that it’s about appearances, but I think last night would have been way better sans coiff. It just added some kind of weird just-got-out-of-prison-come-with-me-little-boy thing for me – less quirky, more creepy. It wasn’t awful, but I Heard it Through the Grapevine really is one of those songs that has never sounded better than the original.

Rhyme-y named Thia Megia…zzzzzzz…. didn’t she forget some lines there? Oh yes, J. Lo noticed. Wait. No she didn’t. Boring, they all love her. Blah.

Here it comes ears, you are about to bleed. Jacob Lust. Lusk? Whatevs. I seriously cannot stand the dramatics and the over-singing and why the judges cream themselves over him is beyond me. And now what, he’s going to sing one of my absolute favourite songs ever? Fully prepared to be angry, I was totally shocked by his restraint — and resultant rockery of the song. Wowza. I hate admitting when I am wrong, so I shall say no more and just tip my imaginary hat to the boy.

Lauren. This girl is really 16 years old? That is weird. I do love her voice, but why does she always get all up on the judges? It makes me really, really uncomfortable and somehow I’m picturing her 30-year-old stage mom encouraging her … “Make him love you…rub up on them … use your womanly ways!” She just always seems to exude an uncomfortable, age-inappropriate sexuality and it always leaves me feeling “Oh, honey.”

Stefano. No. Another performer I usually cannot watch due to all the fist-clenching, over the top drama. And here is no exception. You guys all know that this is a love letter to a blind lady, right? It’s afro-headed Lionel Richie, showing us his tenderness. Not the screaming, crying, dramatic shit that Stefano just can’t seem to break himself of. J.Lo nailed it: he’s trying to be passionate to be good, not because he’s really wondering about what that blind lady is doing and who with. Is she somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving her?

Haley, oh I just love her. (Not a fan of the straight hair. Rock it curly, girl!) Kinda think she sung a lot of the song hunched over, but she was doin her thang and I love me some awkward when it’s coming from the right place.

Scotty McCreery: I really, really need him to go away. I’m sorry, I’m sure he’s sweet and adorable to all those tween girls out there, but that was seriously, seriously painful to me. And I am a country fan. Ish.   I just need him to go away and most especially to stop attempting to do any kind of dancing or movement; I was actually concerned that he was having a seizure up there. The judges should have turfed him at the beginning. I’m all for different styles and whatnot, but this guy is so massively limited in range…that one low note really can’t keep him afloat.

Pia blah blah, so pretty, so flawless, so boring. I’m sorry, I’m sure she’s amazing, I’m just totally bored. I fast forwarded for the first time this ep.

Paul McDonald singing some Smokey Robinson: well allrighty then! I’m with the judges…there’s just something about Paul. I so want to jam with him.  Love seeing artists who can play, too. And by the way Ryan…he’s got the cougar vote, but thanks for the awkwardness.

Naima, another good kind of awkward. I love her weirdness, just totally not into that song. Again, love the original but when anyone else tries to sing it, it comes off too cheesy for me. I think with all the amazing Motown songs, she could have found one that fit her a little better; mind you it’s always a good thing when voters can recognize the song.

Good news y’all: James Durbin is still a rocker. The jacket was studded and the weird scarf-tail-thing was sequined, yo. He’s definitely more natural at moving around the stage.  But even though the screamy parts are not earbleed-inducing, I just cannot get on board (though he is growing on me, somewhat).  There is something just a little smug about him.

If it were up to me, Cowboy Scotty would be headed home, or possibly the boring beautiful girl. I hope Haley finds some love and doesn’t end up in the bottom again, but you know as long as I have some Paul McD to look forward to, I’ll be jes’ fine.

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